Guarded Hearts


Well, my friends,  this is one of those ‘all in my feelings’ blogs. It’s about all of us having guarded hearts in some way.

In some form we all have guarded hearts. We have something that keeps us from opening that one door to our hearts. For some of us, that door is bigger than others. Some of us only have a small, little lock on that door.  Some of us have every padlock and chain on it that we can find so that we can keep every single soul out.

Some of us guard our hearts because we just don’t trust easily. Some have been hurt so badly by someone they gave their heart to. Some have just been through such a harsh tragedy that they just refuse to go through that hurt ever again. Hell, for a few it may even be all of the above, plus some.

But in the end it’s either we die lonely, with a guarded, angry heart or we finally find that one person that makes us see that we can let down that guard. For those of us lucky enough to meet that perfect person, we learn that life can go on with all the love in the world and a heart that we can finally let go of and trust someone with.

For me, most of you know my story, I was one that was guarded for many reasons. My step-dad and his shenanigans when I was little girl really scarred my heart, bad. Then I thought I found someone who was going to help me love. He would end up being my first husband. Well, that was a mistake. He just found other ways to hurt me and make me guard my heart even more. I then met my most current ex. I thought, hey, a girl won’t hurt me like the men in my life have. Granted, she did help me overcome a lot of my past. But at the same time she found even more ways to hurt me and make me guard my heart. So, needless to say, my heart had locks that were broken but then replaced with even bigger locks and heavier chains.

So, believe me when I say, I know all about a guarded heart.

But then one day this blue eyed prince came into my life. He showed me that love without limits is possible. Now,  I’m not saying all those locks are gone but he has found a way to unlock most of them. Unfortunately, some of those can’t be unlocked by him. Those are the locks that my good ol pops is unlocking. It has taken 34 years to finally find the two men in my life that love without adding hurt. Its a strange, but wonderful feeling to finally be able to slowly give my heart the freedom it deserves.

For any of you out there that have a guarded heart, it is possible to give your heart away without limits. There is that someone out there that can make you feel truly loved. Just don’t give up hope.
Never lose hope.


Gone fishing!


Yes, yes. Me and my wonderful prince went on a fishing trip. It was a fun, yet, wet experience. Let me give you the story on this one.

It begins the night before the trip. Let’s see, we had to go get supplies. $140 later at Walmart we had most of our supplies. They included a new pole for me, another pole for him, some hooks and weights, my fishing license and stuff for sandwiches. Now, don’t forget we still had to get bait and gas for the trip. Well, the bait and gas was another $70.

The night before we got everything we could together. All we had to do the next morning was stop and get ice. So off to bed we went.

That 3:30 alarm came early. Too early it seemed. But we got up and got ready for that almost 2 hour trip. We headed out with a quick stop for ice. Away we went! Look out fish, here we come!

The old, trusty GPS done great! That is until we got there. First, she took us to a place that looked like a driveway to a house. Then I tried a different address. Nope, took us all the way around the block, an extra 15 minutes due to it being a country block. Luckily, as we pulled up this time a park ranger was pulling up too. He informed us that where we wanted to be was in fact about about 1 minute around the corner. So, off we went to that spot. There was already a line formed when we got there. So we waited for the 6:30 open time.

Woohoo! Gates opened and in we went. Up the hill, around the corner, back down the hill and to the water. Pick out a boat, load our stuff, go back up hill to get a motor. After all that, off we go to catch some fish!!


Ok, the motor they gave us was probably the SLOWEST one they had. At least the sights were gorgeous! But you know what? We didn’t care! It was me and him on the water, spending time together, fishing. That’s all that really mattered. Anyway,  we make our way towards the back, slowly. We find a spot and anchor up. Cast out and wait…..nothing. He says let’s move. So after a quick zig zag back and forth we head back towards the front of the lake. He spots a good place. Shit, somebody already claimed that spot. So he sees another one close by and the people are leaving. We’ll take that one. No sooner than we anchor up the other boat comes out of the cove we wanted. YES! Let’s hit it!

We pull into the cove, anchor up, bait up and cast out. No sooner than his hits the water he has a bite. He gets it in and we put it in a bag in the cooler. Well, I cast out while he sets up again. He says, bring it in and cast over there. Ok. So I start reeling it in. All of a sudden my line starts to pull. He thinks it’s probably a stick until he realizes it really was jerking away. I keep reeling then we see the fish, it was apparently the biggest shell cracker he’s ever seen. Yep, that’s right,  ya girl caught the biggest fish of the day!! Yeah, buddy!

After the first initial excitement we cast again. Well, needless to say, we caught and we caught and we caught fish. No sooner than we could cast back out we were catching another. We found the sweet spot! We just kept right on fishing. Enjoying the quiet of the woods and water, the coolness of the morning and each others company. Just me and him.

After about 4 hours of great fishing, some laughs, and a ham sandwich for my lunch, it began to rain. Just a light rain at first so we made our way under some branches hanging over the water. I have to admit, that part was a bit romantic. Being a Little Mermaid fan like I am I half expected to hear Sebastian sing ‘Kiss the Girl’. But he didn’t so we just listened to the relaxing sound of the rain hitting the water. Then it got a little heavier and then a little heavier than that until we had a pretty decent down pour going on. Finally we decide to try and find shelter on nearby land. At first the trees worked but then it got harder. So my prince made us a shelter. Finally, it let up enough for us to load back up and head for shore. We ended up almost completely soaked. But it didn’t matter at all. We had the best time and caught a load of fish!!


To my prince, I had the best time! I enjoyed every second of the trip, even getting soaking wet. I enjoyed it so much because I was with you. I love you so much!


Boy? Girl? Just a few old wives tales

Ok. So, as most of you already know…..
WE’RE HAVING A BABY! We also have no clue what it is yet. That ultrasound is scheduled for next Monday. But, I have been looking up old wives tales on gender prediction. I thought, what fun it would be to see what they all say we are having.

So, here we go. Let the fun begin!

Tale #1 Heart rate of the baby
It says that if the heart rate is 150s or over its a girl. If it’s 140s or lower it’s a boy. Well, the first time I heard it, it was in the 160s. The second time I heard it, it was in the 140s. Soooo, I think this one is inconclusive. We heard fast then slow so who knows!
Outcome : inconclusive

Tale #2 Belly shape
They say if your belly is high and round it’s a girl. If you are low with a belly that sticks out its a boy. Well, this belly of mine is nice and low!
Outcome : BOY

Tale #3 The ring test
You are to take a gold ring, attach it to a string and hold it over your belly. If it swings in a circle it’s a boy. If it swings back and forth it’s a girl. I tried it a few different times and every time it’s goes round and round.
Outcome : BOY

Tale #4 Acne
If you have acne during pregnancy then it’s a girl. They say this is due to the extra female hormones. No acne here!
Outcome : BOY 

Tale #5 Cravings
If you want salty foods then it’s a boy. If it’s sweets and fruits you crave then its a a girl. I’m really not feeling the sweets this go round. Some chips, or a pickle, or my favorite cheese is a sure fire way to make me happy. 
Outcome : BOY

Tale #6 Legs
This one says that if your legs get bigger during pregnancy then it’s a boy. If they stay the same then it’s a girl. Well, my already chunky legs are even chunkier now!
Outcome : BOY  

Tale #7 Moodiness
Apparently, if you are moody you’re having a girl. All smiles means a boy. Well, I am one emotional basket case.
Outcome : GIRL

Tale #8 Mother’s Beauty
This one says that if you lose your beauty during pregnancy it’s a girl. That the girl steals the mothers beauty. If it’s a boy you will look more beautiful than ever. Well, I don’t think I look any different. 
Outcome : inconclusive

Tale #9 Dreams
Dreaming of a baby boy means a girl and dreaming of a girl means a boy. So, the opposite of what you dream is what you are having. Too bad I don’t really remember my dreams.
Outcome : inconclusive

Tale #10 Graceful vs. Clumsy
If you are graceful during the pregnancy then that means a girl for you. If you are clumsy then it’s a boy. This pregnancy I have been so clumsy. Run into things. Constantly dropping stuff.
Outcome : BOY

Tale #11 Side you sleep on most
If you prefer sleeping on you right side then it’s a girl. Favoring your left side means a boy. I like to sleep on both sides. I am a side sleeper all the way. But I do find I prefer my left more.
Outcome : BOY

Tale #12 Breast test
If your left breast is larger than the right, girl it is. If the right is larger than it’s a boy. This one is strange to me because the left is always bigger than the right. Not just mine, all woman.
Outcome : GIRL

Tale #13 Mom knows
71% of moms-to-be know what they are having.
Outcome : BOY

Tale #14 Morning Sickness
Little or no morning sickness means it’s a boy. Morning sickness or constantly feeling nauseous means it s a girl. This has been said to be due to the fact that the added female hormone is hard for the body to adjust to.
Outcome : BOY

Tale #15 Protein
If you are craving meats and cheese then it is said to be a boy. I could eat cheese by the block right along side a nice steak. That’s pretty much all I want anyway.
Outcome : BOY

Tale #16 Cold feet
Colder than normal means it’s a boy. If your feet haven’t changed then it’s a girl. My feet have always been cold. My whole life so no change for me.
Outcome : GIRL

Tale #17 Headaches
Plain and simple, headaches means its a boy. I keep headaches. Day and night.
Outcome : BOY

Tale #18 Baby names
If you can only come up with names for one sex and not the other than that’s what you are having. So far it’s only a boys name that is set in stone. We haven’t even discussed girl names.
Outcome : BOY

Tale #19 Pee test
No, not a pee on a stick test. Is your pee  a dull yellow? Girl it is. Bright? Boy for you. Minus the prenatal vitamins mine is bright.
Outcome : BOY

Girl : 3
Boy : 13
Inconclusive : 3

So, we shall see which ones prove to be true!

That one man…..

Ok….its time for this blog. Past time for it…..

Well, as most of you know I went through a rough split a while back.

It’s about time I write about the wonderful man that came to be the man I love through this split.


Every girl dreams of the man that will love them the way no other man (or person) has EVER loved them. Well, ladies, they do exist. Believe it or not, those men are real. Don’t get me wrong, they are out there, hard to find, but are real. Most of them have been damaged by events in their past. As all of us have. Sometimes they just need that patient, tender love that some of us have to give.

All of you know that I have given my love to both genders. I gave it endlessly, through the roughest of times, until I was almost completely empty. I was married to a man for 6 years and committed to a woman for 10 years. But nothing, I mean nothing, comes close to the way I feel with this man. This one man…….

He is the one girls, well, country girls like me, really do dream of. He’s sweet, caring, accepting, loving, warm, soulful, full of life, handsome, has a dark side…..he is just what I always wanted.

Even through the past I have had, and y’all know its been rough, he is what I always wanted. The man that makes me feel safe, loved, wanted, beautiful,  sexy…..he just makes me feel like a woman should feel. (A woman should always feel confident in who she is and she should know, without a doubt, that the man she loves is behind her, forever.) He’s amazing ladies, I thank God every day for blessing me with this wonderful man.

Don’t get me wrong, it took us a long time to get where we are now. Almost 3 years actually. But it was just something that was coming, eventually. Whether we noticed it or not, it was bound to happen.

Anyway, back to him, he’s what I always wanted in a man. Until I met him I was scared of men, I was always ready to defend myself. Well, until I met him. He is the one, the one that showed me that there are good men out there that will give you the world (as long as you are that loving girl they need). He is a one in a million kind of guy. For real girls, they are real. Hard to find, and usually damaged, but real. Usually in need of love.

I really am one of the happiest girs ever. He is what I have needed for years. The one to show me that they are not all the same. That there are good ones out there. Ones that need pure, unalteted love. I always seen friends find the good guys but I always thought I was assed out on a good one. Well, until this one. He slowly slipped into my life and into my heart.

He was in my heart before I ever even knew he was, WAY before I knew he was. He had made me fall in love with him, without even realizing it. I was in love with him LONG, LONG, before I ever even knew I was.

Girls, he’s what you all want. Believe me, he is. On top of all the things I have already named that he is, he’s more. So much more than I could ever say. So much more. Believe me girls, he’s what you want.

I really do feel like one if the luckiest girls ever. I never knew what my friend,Ali, meant when she said she was the luckiest girl ever. Well, now I do. I really am one of the Luckiest Girls Ever. He is my love, my FOREVER, the man who has stole my heart, that has made me feel safe. Safer than any man ever has, EVER. 

He’s the one. The one I’ve always wanted. The one that loves me for me. The one who is himself.

The one who makes me feel forever…….

Forever, baby, forever. I love you so much more than I ever thought I could love anyone.

Forever Yours Jeremy, I love you.


My new daughters

After reading a blog yesterday I have to write something to my new daughters.

All I ever wanted my whole life was one little girl. I never thought about more than just one. Well, I had my one little girl. My beautiful KayLeigh Marie. She filled my heart with so much love. I never knew I could love someone so much.

This year things changed. Changed completely. A once friend became the one person I couldn’t stop thinking about. He was all I wanted. He soon became that person. The one that has my heart in the palm of his hand. Thank God he holds it so very gently.

Along with him came his two daughters. My heart was full of love from my one daughter. Now I have 3 little girls. Yes, two of them are my step-daughters. I don’t see it that way though. When they are with me they are mine. Even when they aren’t they are still mine. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know they have a mother. I’ve known her for years. But I love those little girls as my own. I will never try to take their mother’s place, ever. I just want them to know that I love both of them with all my heart and I am here for them no matter what.

Rayleigh and JeriLynn,
I know you may never see this but I want you both to know that I love you both dearly. I know I’m not your mom and I will never try to be. Just know anytime you need me I am right here. I will always be here for both of you. I will be here to hug when you need one, I’m here to talk to, I’m here for advice. I’m here for you.
I love you two!

Where have I been??

Well, hello boys and girls!! It has been many, many months since I last blogged. So here ya go… update of the last few months.

In June me and the now ex split. It was for the best, the whole relationship got real ugly. Anyway! After the split I began the most wonderful relationship with the most amazing man I’ve ever met. He’s a one in a million guy. He loves me for me, let’s me be me, makes me feel safer than any man ever has, he makes me smile, he makes me laugh. He’s just amazing and I love him with my whole heart. The heart that had been shattered by so many. He picked up the pieces and made it whole again.

My little girl started school! That was rough! For me, not her. But she is doing amazing! She’s so smart! Has made nothing less than a 90 on everything she has done. She’s a wiz with words and math. Thank God she’s good at math because I SUCK at it!!

KayLeighs first heartbreak


Ok. So I have to share this.

Yesterday we stopped by Memes (that would be Kims grandma) to see her for a little bit. Towards the end of the visit me and Kim noticed someone was missing. Angel, Memes dog.

Now Angel was old. She was 13 years old. But she was sweet and good to Meme. Well over the years Angel and KayLeigh had become like peas in a pod. KayLeigh would make a peep as a baby and Angel was looking for her to see what was wrong. We have a dozen or more pictures of Angel and KayLeigh. They were buds.

Well Kim asks Meme where she is and Meme tells her she had to have her put down on Thursday. We all knew that day was coming but now we have to tell our 5 year old that her buddy is gone.

Well on the ride home we tell her that Angel is gone and that she’s in heaven now.I could see in KayLeigs eyes that she knew what I was saying but she held strong. So we get home and she wants to play outside. Ok. Well after about 2 minutes of being outside she comes in and says she doesn’t want to be out there anymore. Ok, what’s wrong baby?, I ask her. She tells me, I miss Angel. I looked at her and I could see it in her eyes. I just grabbed her and hugged her, when I did she started balling. I mean a real true, my heart hurts, cry. I’ve never heard her cry like that. It broke my heart just to hear her cry. She was hurt. Her dog was gone. She knew Angel all 5 years of her life. Angel had always been there to lick her face or wag her tail because she was so happy to see KayLeigh. She cried and cried, almost a scream cry. She cried, I cried, Kim cried. We just cried together holding KayLeigh as she sobbed for Angel.

Losing Angel is KayLeighs first real death. It broke her heart into a million pieces. Seeing her hurt broke ours. Just thinking about how she cried makes my eyes tear up now. I just wanna take her hurt away.

R.I.P. Angel
We love you and miss you.